What My Son Said

Wednesday evenings have become my most peaceful of the week. The rest of the family goes to church while I take Nicholas to football practice. For an hour and a half, I don't have to speak to anyone, keep an eye on anyone, feed anyone or take anyone to the potty. I love my job and love my family, and goodness knows I love talking, but that brief respite each week has been a blessing.

And then, I get some time with Nicholas. My middle son, he tends to be the quietest of the three, the least aggressive, the most compliant. On Wednesdays, we get time together uninterrupted by his more demanding brothers (who I love like crazy, too, of course!).

After a dinner at Subway (a shared footlong and a chocolate chip cookie) --which earned me a "You're the best mom in the world!"--we had this conversation as we drove home:
(Passing the pumpkin patch)
Nicholas: Look at all the lights. They are so pretty.
Me: They are! Maybe someday when you get married, you can have a reception with lots of white lights like those.
Nicholas: Yes, and maybe after I get married my wife and I can go to the pumpkin patch.
Me: Then you will have to get married in October.
Nicholas: On Halloween!
Me: Well, whenever you get married, the girl you choose will be so lucky.
Nicholas: I want to marry a pretty girl.
Me: Pretty is fine, but it us more important that you find a girl who is kind.
Nicholas: Boys like pretty girls, not ugly ones.
Me(starting to get a little testy): But kind is the best thing for a girl to be; pretty isn't that important.
Nicholas: Well, you are pretty and Dad married you, so I think I will find a pretty girl, too.
Me (a little less testy): Aww, you are sweet!
Nicholas: Yep, Mom, boys like pretty girls, not ugly ones and girls don't like nerdy boys. Sometimes they like boys who are popular if they only do a few nerdy things.
Me: Like what?
Nicholas: You know, like play the banjo.

I love Wednesday night.

A Cave of One's Own

My husband informed me that he has come to a conclusion: "Women don't like men very much. And the worst part," he says, "is that they see nothing wrong with it." Lest you fear that this revelation might have come as the result of some action on my part, let me assure you the comment was not made in connection with anything I have done.  Actually, we were discussing the recent coinage of a new term -- the mom cave.  HomeGoods and designer Elaine Griffin have developed the concept of a mom cave -- a place for mom to sit, store items, work and visit.  I had first heard the term on the Thrifty Decor Chick blog and then again this morning as the DJs (one male, one female) argued about whether mom caves are really a need.  Funny that the male DJ and my husband had very similar reactions -- women can't let guys have man caves without stealing the concept for themselves?

Now, as a proud graduate of a women's college and a longtime feminist, I understand that this reaction is, to a degree, ironic.  I mean, how many things have men over the centuries parlayed for their own without allowing women to have a share?  However, as the mother of three boys, sister of two brothers and teacher to hundreds of young men (and women) over the last fourteen years, I see where the guys are coming from and I wonder about the expectations the world has for them.

Modern sit-coms seem hell-bent on presenting the man as an insensitive, backward doof while his too-good-for-him-ever-to-get-in-real-life wife belittles, mocks and patronizes him.  In the end we are supposed to see that she is justified, but because of love, they forgive and forget and we are then ready for the next episode which will once again reveal her superiority. 


Recently, I was speaking with a parent at school about her two sons.  Our conversation turned to the raising of boys and how boys were fitting in (or rather not fitting in) to the academic and leadership programs at the high school.  This doesn't mean boys are absent from leadership or silent in the classroom, but what we have observed is that they are more often than not perfectly willing to allow the girls to take charge of whatever task must be completed. Even my own eight-year old confided to me tonight that girls can be "rude and mean" and that in his table group at school, he and his buddy have no idea how these "crazy girls think" so they just try to stay out of their way.

So, as a teacher, how do I work toward allowing both boys and girls to feel valued and capable?  Not all of their learning needs are necessarily determined by gender, but  am I doing anything to encourage both genders to move away from what is so common now -- the girls in a group running the show and the guys being the cut-ups and tagalongs?  And in my own life, are my sons getting what they need to be confident contributors while demonstrating a degree of chivalry and humility as well?  Am I careful to consider my husband's feelings, cognizant of his desire to be a leader in the family, but also able to maintain my own sense of identity and worth?

I know one thing -- if my husband wants a man cave, I won't complain a bit.  And I won't try to counter his space with a mom cave of my own.  Besides, isn't that what the salon is for?

 

(PS: No matter how these two guys feel about girls in general, I am pretty sure they are crazy about me!)

Tell Me What You Want

My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years.  We are starting to figure each other out.  Just now.  Recently, we had a very long, emotional "discussion" at 1:00 in the morning -- when most of our relationship breakthroughs occur.  I will spare you the details and simply say that in the end, I realized that if I want my husband to be the husband I need, I need to tell him what that means.  This is not to say that he has never been the husband I need.  In fact, with as little direction as I have given, he has done an amazing job of figuring it out.  But ultimately, he can only do so much when it comes to reading my mind, and even more difficult, my heart.

As hard as it was, though, for me to tell him exactly what I need from him in our relationship, the impact it has had on us has been tremendous.  Now, for some, being as direct with someone about what you want or need is not a challenge.  I have always struggled with it, though, because I feared hurting him.  I worried that sharing what I needed would make him feel judged or betrayed.  What I had to realize was that what I saw as protecting him was actually keeping him from growing.  It was like giving a plant water and food, but hiding it from the sun.  When we do not tell people what we want, we diminish their capacity to meet those expectations.

With my parenting, I have had far less trouble with this.  In fact, I work quite hard at not just telling my children what I need them to do, but modeling for them the appropriate responses and requiring them to practice.  For example, if one of the boys demands, "Get me some milk!" I do not say, "Please ask more nicely next time," have them agree and then proceed to get the milk.  Instead, I try to say, "That was not a nice way to ask for milk.  Instead, you should say, 'Mom, could you get me more milk, please?' Now, let me hear you say that." This does not always translate into perfect behavior (what an understatement!) but I am confident that the boys are  clear about my expectations and because of that, the likelihood of them responding and interacting in appropriate ways is increased.

In the classroom, I have been somewhere between these two ends of the spectrum.  I believe my students always sense the expectations that I have for them, but I do not think I have been as conscientious as I need to be in this area.  Over the summer, I read a number of books by Dr. Marzano.  While much of what I read matched up neatly with my philosophies and practices, I realized that in terms of clarity and focus in terms of what I need my students to learn, I had some growing to do.  Not only do I think my students in the past have been fuzzy about exactly what they were expected to know, I was fuzzy, too.  I had a sense of what I wanted them to be able to do, but truly showing them how to get there was a leap I wanted them to make without the kind of direct instruction they needed to do so. 

Recently, we have been working with the concept of archetypes and their influence on literature.  Giving students a list of common archetypes is useful and all, but the skill I expect is that they can analyze the influence archetypal characters, images, and motifs have on a work of literature.  That step, from recognition to analysis, is one I have asked my students to make in the past without ever actually showing them how.  Honestly, the process is so natural for me, I had to slow down, and really think about what I do to move from one to the other.  This sharpened my ability to transfer this knowledge to my students and, in the end, resulted in their success.

Telling the people in our lives what we want or what we need is not selfish or hurtful if we are doing so to help them grow and if we do so with a heart and spirit of kindness, encouragement and love.  I believe this is happening with my children, with my students and with my husband (You can read his blog about our recent date to hear more!). Success is sunshine to their flowering confidence.  And if it makes me happier, too -- even better!