2013 Come and Gone

Another entire year passed with only two blog posts.  I wonder if I should even continue to have this blog when it obviously gets neglected.  The busyness of my work and my family certainly contributes to the infrequency of posting, but I also wonder if there is still purpose here.

Upon returning tonight, I see there is. If for no one else but myself. I read posts from years ago and marvel that so little has changed or, the very opposite, I read and question, was that really me? And something tells me that whenever we are brave enough to share our story, the world is better for it.

So, as 2013 comes to a close, I have been searching for my new One Little Word. Over the past few years I have selected discover, reach, and courage. Each of those words came to play a significant role in my thinking and feeling for that year, so I wanted to be careful and sincere as I chose the OLW for 2014.  I have decided on cultivate and I cannot tell you how thrilled I am about it.  Already it has given me a fresh perspective and made me take some bold steps in new directions.

I love that cultivate combines the optimism of creation with the reality of discipline.  To cultivate requires a plan, a vision for what could be.  It also requires work, the action to move that vision from dream to reality.  There is an earthiness to the word as it connotes nature, gardening, farming, growing something of use and beauty.  And there is also a sense of industry, tools and science being utilized to achieve the best results.

It is also the opposite of neglect.

As I take on this word, I am eager to decide exactly what I want to cultivate in my life, what it will take to make that happen and what it will produce in my life and the lives of others.

Anyone else choosing a One Little Word this year?

Common Core

I watched this YouTube video

all about math and how it weaves

its way into every inch of our lives.

Each moment, turn of a wheel,

turn of a combination 

lock, turn of a head

has a mathematical equation attached, some x to solve for, 

some function.

And my first thought

was whether or not

math could capture the speed

of my veins or the temperature 

of my blush as I think about you.

Could it quantify the cloudiness 

that blurs my logic and leaves

my tongue numb, twisted into quiet?

Could math find a way to make

You next to Me,

like 1 is next to 2?

Adam and Eve.

In the beginning. Maybe

math can make life whole again,

could find a way to fill

the gaps of too many days

between hello 

and too many reasons not to be

1 and 2.

Maybe it's just math that 

keeps us from adding up, 

a theorem of what cannot be.

But even numbers can be imaginary 

and still they find their way to the paper,

find their way to be real, to be seen.

That's not us. We are real,

but no one can see

and we can't say

and words and numbers fail.

But the math of you and me,

of 1 and 2,

takes me back to the start,

counting minutes til

we equal something 

more than the sum

of our parts.

Courage

2013 is going to be my year.  I can feel it.  In my heart, in my breathing, in everything I do, I know this is it.  I have been building toward this year my entire life.  Of course, that's true for every year, right?  every moment?  Each one is the result of all that came before it.  Maybe now I am just incredibly aware of that. And it is terrifying.

So, my One Little Word for 2013 is courage.

Courage reminds me of The Wizard of Oz. The Cowardly Lion seeking courage was always the character who resonated with me.  I had brains, I had heart, and I had home, but courage??  It has eluded me.  And the Lion is me.  I am not a believer in astrology, but for some reason, my Leo sign always felt like a perfect fit. I always thought it was the lion's mane, since I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with my hair.  But I think it is also that the lion is the King.  My name actually means, "crowned one." I want to be a leader, I want to be the one in charge.  I want others to be safe and strong in my care. But deep inside, I am a coward.

I fear consequences.  I fear losing. I fear hurting people I love and even more, I fear being disliked because I have hurt them. I fear making mistakes and giving someone ammunition to tear me down and expose me for the fraud I am.  For all my big talk, I feel any bravery others might see in me is a facade.

But no more.  This year, the fear will be quieted and the courage will guide me.  I know the Wizard can't give it to me, but just like the Cowardly Lion, I will find it in my relationships with the people I love, the people who inspire me and probably, the people who oppose me.  My courage will come from my conscious daily choice to live my life informed by wisdom and hope rather than fear and inauthenticity.

In 2013, I am going to live with the courage it takes to be exactly who I am.